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Seeing Myself With Program Eyes

My foundation for life WAS what I experienced in childhood: emotionally abused, unloved, unaccepted, neglected, isolated, abandoned and made a scapegoat. I continued the pattern of creating misery throughout my life for myself and others by the thoughts and beliefs I was choosing. Spiraling down was all I knew. My life began taking an upward approach with the help of the program and the group. With the tools provided it became increasingly clear as to WHO I truly am. I am NOT who my distorted ego and what others negatively judged me as. The program gave me suggested guidance. The Big Book presented many people who shared similar experiences to mine and how they decided to use their energy to walk in a happy and healthy direction regardless of circumstances. The sharing of experiences from the Big Book and group members proved that there are people who understand me and that I deserve hope and joy rather than self-hatred, self-sabotage and depression.

I learn from the past but I don’t live there anymore. I’m learning to forgive myself for past mistakes because if I would have known better, I would have done better. More and more I know better and more and more I make better choices. I’m learning to be and stay in the present with increasing self-worth, joy and peace. My energy is improving because I’m not carrying heavy baggage from the past on my shoulders. The anxiety (tenseness in my body) had been draining me physically, mentally and emotionally. The anxiety was a manifestation resulting from my reactions to my childhood. These energy depleting reactions are dissipating. I now have the tools to keep me out of paralyzing anxiety and keep me on the road to continuing healthy functioning.

In the past, I was afraid of allowing any of my thoughts, my beliefs, and my negative evaluation of myself to surface because it produced unbearable shame. Pushing down the thoughts or trying to run away from them didn’t make them go away. I couldn’t outrun them and I had no place to hide. They were still with me misguiding me crazily through life and continuing to produce overwhelming shame. As I gained confidence and strength by working the program and with the support of the group, I began experiencing a growing peace within. I found the courage to let my thoughts surface in order to face them, re-evaluate them and replace them with healthy thoughts and a healthy love for myself and others. Life is a journey. I have a Choice as to my direction.

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